I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Sober January is a disaster.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
