my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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