she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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