I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Someone came in the potted fern
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
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