My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you never un-have a 4some
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
