last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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