he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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