I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
