I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
