She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
