There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
