You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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