apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
