Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
even my farts smell like vagina
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
