Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
