So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
