I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize