shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i love accidental penises.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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