...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
