The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I met the friendliest cop last night
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
