i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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