i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
