i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
