I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
