You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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