so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
