So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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