thus making me awesome and them whores
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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