We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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