Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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