Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
