6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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