I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
