I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
