The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
