you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
