he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
