So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My feet surprised me
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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