Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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