I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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