Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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