Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
