All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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