I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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