Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
