my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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