why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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