You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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