I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
