My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Semen is not good for contacts.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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