I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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