I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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