the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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