My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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