i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
