My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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