I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
