I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
