if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
