Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
