1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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