You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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