I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
