ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
