so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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