I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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