Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
