no, he came in my armpit
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
