The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
