I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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