I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
