Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
