So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
