So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
