Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
