Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
two words...techno handjob
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize