I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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