yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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